Friday, October 9, 2009

I want another baby... or do I?

I'm so conflicted. I've been pondering getting my IUD removed and having another baby... I mean if that's what's meant to be. When I got pregnant with my son, I said that this was the last, but I didn't get my tubes tied either. I go back and forth between definitely wanting another, and then not wanting another AT ALL. I loved being pregnant with my daughter, I hated being pregnant with my son. It was horrible. I was the meanest, moodiest, beeyotch I could possibly be! I ended up having to have a C-Section, and that was sooo not fun. I would take labor over a c-section any day of the week. Maybe I just heal slow, or have a low pain tolerance, but that was the worst thing ever for me!

Obviously, it's not just about being pregnant. At the end of the long 9 months I will be responsible for yet another life. I don't know if I'm even doing a good job now! My kids are fed, clothed, and very loved, so I guess I'm doing alright. My house is always a mess, and most days I don't know what I'm having for dinner until 2 minutes before I start cooking. So, maybe I'm not doing all that good. I'm so confused! I'm so unorganized that I don't know if I could handle another baby. And then there is that feeling that my other kids wont feel loved. My daughter is SO jealous of my son. I hate that she feel like she has to fight for attention. I don't want my son to feel that way, and I don't want her to feel that even more than she already does. And then the money factor... Agh! All the worries!

Even though I have all those worries, I still feel like my family is not complete. I came from a small family. I was the only child, and I was always jealous of other kids that had sisters and brothers. I have always wanted a big family. And to me, 2 kids is not a big family.

I guess it's all coming from my best friend being pregnant. Maybe? Who knows, I've been thinking about another baby since my son was only a month old. Anyway, I went with her yesterday to buy some baby stuff, and I could totally feel the pregnancy envy coming on hard! There were like 20 freaking pregnant ladies at the store, and they were all glowing! Maybe that was my imagination, because I'm sure some of them don't like being pregnant. But still, they looks so cute with their belly's, and looking at onsies and all, I couldn't help but feel the envy! Another friend of mine just found out she is pregnant with TWINS! Which is a miracle! Pregnancy envy is a evil, evil thing!

What made you decide to have another baby? Were you as confused as I am? I would love any input on this!
Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

Dee said...

Uhh..I understand. My hubby says NO MORE and honestly, two is a good number for me. I mean do I REALLY want to go through all the baby stuff again and have to wait another 3 or so years before we can go do anything REALLY fun b/c the baby would be too small? But I've always wanted a big family and I KNOW that if hubby would give the OK, I would have more. NOT right now(I have a 2 month old) and we'd have to get a bigger house-but I would definitely have more b/c in the end-your family is all you have-why not have a big one?